Epiphany 2, Yr. C, January 17, 2010
Is. 62:1-5; Ps. 36:5-10; 1 Cor. 12:1-11; John 2:1-11
Death & Dying Series #2
This is week 2 of our Death
and Dying series.
You might be wondering how I
can possibly tie in the story of the miracle of wine at the wedding of
Marriage and death doesn’t
seem like a good tie in does it?
Well, I’m not going to be
preaching on this scripture from John exactly, but I actually do see a
connection.
But I would then wouldn’t I?
This story is at the very
beginning of John’s gospel.
John doesn’t start with the
story of Mary or the story of Jesus’ birth.
John starts with…In the
beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
John the Baptist testifies to
Jesus coming as the messiah, the 12 disciples are called.
And then in chapter 2 we find
ourselves at this wedding reception in
The wine runs out and Jesus
fills 6 huge, stone jars with the best wine.
The miracle is not simply
that Jesus turned water into wine.
He didn’t just fill up some
empty wine bottles.
No. The miracle is that Jesus
filled 6 huge jars…20 or 30 gallons each.
Those 6 jars were used to
hold the water for the Jewish rites of purification.
The miracle is one of God’s
extravagant abundance and of God coming into our world in a very unexpected
way.
Jesus, the Word, the light of
the world, is showing us at
Jesus shows us in his life,
death, and resurrection, that God is with us and is for us beyond what we can
imagine.
We have the possibility of
eternal life because of God’s willingness and because of God’s extravagant
love.
Last week
He talked about Jesus as our
hope and our comfort.
The Bible promises us in
Romans that…neither death, nor life, nor
angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor
height, nor depth, nor anything in all creation, will be able to separate us
from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
We face physical death, not
because God planned it, but because humanity exercised free will and shattered
God’s plan.
It really is amazing how
clammed up people can get when faced with death.
Someone we know and love is
facing a terminal disease or a horrible accident and so often people just don’t
know what to do.
People may avoid going to the
hospital or calling that loved one…I don’t know what to say to them.
Or families will have a sort
of unspoken group agreement that dying and illness aren’t faced or talked
about.
It’s just so uncomfortable.
Sometimes people fixate on
the possibility that God will come through with a miraculous healing.
Well maybe God will and maybe
God won’t.
That part I can’t explain to
you.
Prayers for physical healing
are offered up by people, by church communities and sometimes people recover
and sometimes people die.
The rhyme or reason to it is
a mystery.
There isn’t a formula for
having enough faith, or praying hard enough, or often enough, or with just the
right words.
It is in God’s hands not in
our prayer technique.
But I digress.
When someone we know and care
for is very sick or is dying…when we are very sick or are dying…
It is not the time for us to
pull back or to pretend that everything is OK.
Communication is so important
for everyone involved…adults and kids.
Hear are 4 basic tips.
Keep it simple.
Speak from your heart.
Be truthful.
Pray.
It’s OK to say I’m afraid, or
I’m confused or angry or I’m worried.
It can get complicated when
families have baggage…and who doesn’t have some?
In my experience as a pastor
and as a chaplain when I worked with the terminally ill…
family communication and
relationships don’t generally improve in the face of death.
We hope that grace will win
out over pettiness and grudges and whatever else has broken down in
families…but it doesn’t always.
And all you have any control
over is yourself and what you say and do.
The reality is that some
things are simply not going to get worked out with the person with whom you
have a problem.
But we can still be truthful
in what we say and do even in the face of death.
If I am the one dying and my
adult child comes to visit me who I think has failed in life, who I am sorely
disappointed in…
I can say… I’m dying and I want you to know that I love
you no matter what has happened between us.
If someone is dying that I
love but that I have been hurt by or disappointed by…I can say I love you no matter what has happened between
us.
If someone close to you is
dying that you think you should love but you can’t really go there…you can
still say…
I am sorry for your suffering and I am praying for
God’s peace.
We can be truthful about the
reality of death and the reality of our relationship with someone in very
simple words.
We don’t have to fill up
silence with a lot of words.
Silence is OK…really it is.
And silence can communicate grace
in ways that words can’t communicate.
Did I mention the importance
of praying?
It may seem like such a small
thing.
Or it may even seem like your
prayers are falling on deaf ears.
Pray anyway.
What can I say to this
person, Lord?
Lead me…guide me....give me
strength…give me peace.
Once you get past the barrier
of being open and truthful, of acknowledging that death is real and present…
I have a few tips about what
to say and what not to say.
Ask How is today going? Not How are you?
If someone is dying they
aren’t fine…but they might really want to be able to talk about what is
happening that day, that moment.
Say When can I bring you a meal
or wash your dishes for you or run to the grocery store for you?
Not…call me if you need anything.
We all know that it is much
harder to ask for help than it is to accept help that is given freely.
Ask how you can pray for
them.
Ask what they want to talk
about…make it easy to be with you…not work.
Here are a few of the things
that are generally very not helpful.
Don’t tell people that God is
trying to teach them something…really, don’t.
Don’t say God needed another
angel to someone who has lost a loved one.
It is not comforting.
Don’t tell people they aren’t
going to die when they clearly are headed that way.
It’s not helpful.
Try not to tell people that
they can’t die, that you can’t live without them.
That is a burden that is just
not fair to put on someone who is dying.
Sometimes the most loving
thing we can do is to tell our loved one that it is OK to let go.
That we love them and that we
will miss them but that we will be OK.
When someone’s spouse or
child has died try really hard not to put them in the position of having to
comfort you.
It’s OK to be a blubbering
mess but timing can be everything.
And when it comes to kids
communication is so important.
Be in prayer for the leading
of the Holy Spirit.
Keep it simple, age
appropriate, but be truthful.
It is our job as Christian
parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and friends to help kids
understand, as best they can, that death is part of our lives.
And that God has a plan for
death that is loving and good.
Try not to tell kids that
Grandma went on a long trip.
Now days kids are so much
more removed from death generally.
Farm life helps kids
experience death in a more natural rhythm.
And 100 years ago old people
lived and died in the home and got laid out in the front room.
But not now and we have to
help kids understand and experience God’s plan for us and God’s presence with
both the dying and those grieving.
As many of you know I was
widowed at the age of 23 when my sons were 4 and 2 years old.
David, my husband, committed
suicide and I was faced with explaining to Scott and Tim what had happened to
their dad.
It wasn’t fun or easy but I
was honest and I tried to explain depression as a sickness that had led him to
end his life.
Now suicide is a really hard thing for people
to talk about…there is definitely a stigma and people question where God is in
all of that.
But being truthful is so
important.
Kids need to hear simple
words from our hearts about what has happened that has turned the world upside
down.
Should kids go to funerals?
I think it’s OK and I think
it’s actually a good and necessary thing once kids get past preschool age.
They need to hear the words
of hope in a Christian funeral service just as much as anyone else.
They need to know that Jesus
is our hope and that Jesus is with us in our sadness.
This is really a subject that
I could talk about for hours…but I won’t.
We will all die.
We will watch people that we
love die.
Some of us will lose loved
ones suddenly in an accident or to suicide.
There is no getting around
death and dying in this life.
Talking about it, creating
safe space to talk about it is so important.
I know I’ve covered a lot of
ground and thrown a lot of ideas out there.
But here are the 4 basic
things.
Keep it simple.
Speak from your heart.
Be truthful.
Pray…and then pray again.
Talk to God…read
scripture…cry, plead, get mad.
God is big enough and God is
wanting to be our strength in our grief and our suffering.
When I was praying about
I was going through the
prayer book and read this prayer.
It felt just right to me in
the face of trying to sort out where God is in such a tragedy.
And I don’t think God has
cursed
So I’ll close with this
prayer and with a final word of encouragement to make praying first and last on
your list of things to do.
O merciful Father, who has taught us in your holy Word
that you do not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men: look with pity
upon the sorrows of your servants for whom our prayers are offered. Remember
them, O Lord, in mercy, nourish their souls with patience, comfort them with a
sense of your goodness, lift up your countenance upon them, and give them
peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.